It was
brought to my attention that I have an addiction. Like any addict, I’ve denied
for years that I had a problem, until the problem bit me in the ass like the
venomous snake it is.
I have been
addicted to a man for the last 15 years. He’s a charming motherfucker, to be
sure, and even though I wasn’t completely blind to his bullshit, I made
allowances for it, based on what I felt was a deep eternal connection.
He may or
may not be my soul mate. There is no denying that the deep telepathic,
spiritual connection was and remains real. I can still feel his thoughts in my
head and his touch upon my face. But that doesn’t change that he’s broken and
using his own abilities…abusing his abilities for his own selifish means. It
sucks.
But I am an
addict and I must admit to myself and others that I am powerless over my
addiction and that my life has become unmanageable.
I have come
to believe that only a power great than myself can restore me to sanity.
I have made
a conscious decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of a
greater power as I understand it, to
overcome this addiction.
I have been
making a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself to better understand
what caused me to cling to this addiction.
I have admitted to God/Goddess, myself and my
readers the exact nature of the wrongs I committed in my addiction.
I am
entirely ready to have a Higher Power help me overcome these defects in my
character.
I pray and
ask the Universe every day to remove my shortcomings and help me be a better
person.
I’ve made a
mental list of all the people I’ve disappointed and harmed during the course of
my addiction, and am willing to make amends to them.
I would love
to make direct amends to some of the people harmed as a result of my addiction,
but doing so would cause more injury than good to certain people.
I continue
daily to evaluate the person I am, and the person I want to be and I admit when
I’m wrong or off-track, or having a hard day with my struggle at overcoming my
addiction.
Only through
prayer and meditation will I better understand my spirituality and spiritual
connection and how my addiction was an obstacle to my own personal power and
strength.
Understanding
my addiction and the havoc it has wrecked on my life, I will carry this message and
recovery to other addicts and stand as a witness that no matter how much you
love someone, or how connected to them you may be, you have no control over
their choices and actions, nor should you be a victim to such.
I don’t want
to feel this pain any more. I don’t want to hear him in my head begging
forgiveness, or contemplate giving it. I want to wake up in the morning and not
give him a single thought all day or night. I want to feel free and happy in my
soul without the shadow of his taint spoiling every good thought and feeling I
have. I want to stop feeling dirty and
used and stupid. I want to end this Karmic rollercoaster and be done with him
for eternity. I want to be the happy,
healthy strong woman I know I am inside, instead of this doubtful, doubting
mess, that keeps reliving these moments of gut-kicking pain when I remember
something that must have surely been a lie.
Most of all,
I want to re-connect with the spirituality I let languish over the last 4 years
because my addiction blinded me to all that is true. Every hurt is a blessing
in disguise. I want to get past the hurt and uncover the blessing. God grant me the serenity.
