Good-bye 2011, Hello 2012

I had such high hopes when I started this blog last year. Then my life remained difficult and complicated until I had a complete meltdown in May. I tried to keep a positive attitude, and I wanted to remain grateful. But when you're overwhelmed, even getting out of bed each morning seems the biggest accomplishment of the day.

My original goal and reason for this blog was to find something each day to be grateful for, and to blog about it. The rules were that I couldnt ever use the same thing, and what 365 things could I find to be grateful about through my entire year. It wasnt a bad idea or even too large a project. I was just approaching it at the wrong time in my life, however well-intentioned I was.

Today is New Year's Eve 2011 and a lot is different and a lot is the same as one year ago today. I'm still unemployed and still looking for a job. Time is running out and I'm starting to get a little anxious. I know it will be okay. Worst case scenario, I work 2 or 3 part time jobs. I've done it before. None of my friends would allow me to be homeless, so even if, god forbid, I were evicted, I wouldnt be out on the streets. I'm not a full time student any more. I discovered that was too much for me with my health being what it was. It took me two semesters and a lot of pressure I put on myself to discover that.

Now about that meltdown. I had student insurance at that point, and was going to the health center on campus for my diabetes and pain medications. I started having horrible pain and spasms in my right hamstring muscles to the point where I couldnt even sleep. The doctor who was seeing me must have been a bit of an empath himself, because he recognized that not only was I having pain issues, I was having extreme anxiety problems as well, evidenced when I burst into tears during our assessment. He called it true when he said he thought I was scared to death, but I didnt know why or what I was scared of. He referred me to the student mental health center, and I started seeing a counselor again for what I thought of as an emotional tune-up.

After taking my history and hearing about the past 2 years of my life (at that point), my counselor asked me if I was familiar with Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Well, yes. I'm a psych major, after all, and became very intimate with the definition when I was in counseling to heal from being sexually abused as a child. But because I was already on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications, and I hadnt suffered an actual trauma, I didnt think it applied to me, even though many of the symptoms were present. What I didnt realize and what she pointed out to me, was that being diagnosed with a life-threatening illness can also cause PTSD. Did not know that. Then she began repeating the laundry list of maladies back to me.

Chronic fatigue syndrome for 10 years. Long term illness prior to diagnosis of diabetes. Stressful and toxic work place with repeated layoffs and additional work load. A wretched boss. Hospital with life threatening diabetic related infection within 2 weeks after diagnosis. The idiot watching my dog while I was hospitalized letting him overheat until he died and calling me while I was IN the hospital to tell me. Adopting 2 new dogs within 2 months of release from hospital. Continued illness because I cant get the diabetes under control. A major sinus infection. And this all happened just in 2008. 2009 - I get laid off at the end of January which is both a blessing in disguise and a huge blow to my identity. I keep having infections and end up in the ER on the night of St. Patricks Day for a cat scan on my kidneys. Luckily, no stones, but I'm one sick puppy dog. My doctor keeps dropping the ball on my health care until I find a new doctor in April. June...the engine in my car blows up. Fortunately, I have enough still left in my 401K to cash out and pay for a new engine. Something or someone divine takes pity on me and my mechanic finds a used one with only 26,000 miles on it. I start to get better, but when my mom comes to visit in July, I still poop out really easily and I can no longer tolerate heat. Then school starts full time and I end up with another sinus infection that wont go away. At all. 3 rounds of antibiotics later, and I'm still sick as a dog. A trip the the allergist. Cat scan on sinuses. All tests come back okay. But my white blood cell count remains high, so they know there's still something wrong. Right before finals they start talking about testing me for cancer. WHAT??? I manage to complete 3 finals exams, but the 4th I just blow off because I just cant do it, not knowing how badly it will fuck my student financial aid. I wait for weeks for test results. The hold up is that they sent the lab work to Johns Hopkins for a full DNA screen to rule out everything. I'm cancer free. The holidays roll around. I go into a baking frenzy for a craft fair, make too many items that dont sell and it ends up costing me money. A few days before I'm due to leave for OK and my first Christmas with family in ages, the dogs trip me up and I crack my wrist.

2009. I start this blog while I'm at my mom's. Long road trip with Mom back to Colorado for a stopover then on to Arizona so she can see my aunt and I can see Max. I get home to discover my Cobra insurance has been cancelled because I missed the premium due date by 2 days. No exceptions so now I have no insurance. Fortunately, I'm required by the school to have some form of insurance by the school, so the premiums are added to my tuition. But at this point, I dont know I have problems with my financial aid. I find out that I'm on financial aid suspension the day I'm required to drop classes for non-payment because of an incorrect email I received a month prior telling me I was approved. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. Jumping through hoops for a waiver while I'm recovering from yet another kidney infection, and this latest fuck-aroo causes a major case of the flu which then turns into bronchitis. Can someone just put me out of my misery? So by the end of April, I'm a complete basket case. Leg pain so bad I wake up crying, psych referral, PTSD diagnosis and then I completely meltdown, pick a fight with Max and we temporarily break up. More counseling sessions, I start to feel better, increase my diabetes meds, and stop having infections. Finals are over, but I completely flunk one of my classes, so now I dont get any financial aid until I can complete more classes successfully and bring my grades up. July 4th weekend, Augie eats a pack of cigarettes, and I have to hospitalize him with the emergency vet. I spend the rest of the summer sending out resumes and weaning myself off percocet because now I'm out of insurance and pain meds. But still no more infections, so that's good, right? As the year drifts into fall, I hide out at home, sleep weird hours and start a humor page on Facebook, which oddly as it sounds, starts to validate me again as a human being of worth, because I can make people laugh. I find a doctor who I can afford (barely) out of pocket, he starts me on a non-narcotic pain medication and a new sleep medication and by Thanksgiving, I'm starting to feel human again. But I still want to hide from the world. Its easier to play on Facebook than to confront all the stress and emotional turmoil the last 2 years have wrought.

December 31, 2011...I havent had an infection in almost a year. I feel like I'm finally over the hump and on the back end of the last disastrous 2 years. But I'm still afraid. I get out of bed every day and push down the anxiety by getting on Facebook and wasting at least half my day there. I still have flare-ups with the fibromyalgia, but only one really bad one in the last couple months. All in all, I feel pretty good right now, and feel fortunate and grateful to have survived all of this more or less, intact. But the true emotional reality of this 2 years has never been acknowledged by me. I deny how awful its been. I tell myself its only been circumstances. Everyone goes through hard times. I minimize. I tell myself its only diabetes, its only fibromyalgia. I dont have cancer, I'm still a relatively young woman (for being middle-aged). I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and a car to drive. Things will turn around. Things will get better. Then why am I still so scared? I have PTSD. No, I dont. Yes, I do. Its not a big deal. I've been through worse. I'm just being lazy and making excuses for myself. But I know if I werent on medication, I'd be crying my fucking eyes out every day...or worse. I tried to wean myself off the anti-anxiety med, trying to save some money on prescriptions and I was such a weepy mess, I knew that wasnt going to work. I try not to say too much to my friends and loved ones, because God knows they put with a shit-ton of negativity from me that first year when I was so very sick.

Not every single second has been bleak. Good things have happened. I'm more secure in my relationship with Max than ever before, and a lot less jealous. We reached a compromise we both can live with, and even though I know it will still be a few more years of the long distance thing, I can live with that. Truthfully, if he'd had to put up with me during all this time, we probably would have thrashed the relationship...again. This year, I've re-established a relationship with one sister, and been able to be in more contact with the other sister. Every couple of weeks I've gone to lunch with my dearest friend, Colleen, who makes me laugh and listens to me without bashing me in the face when I go off on a self-pity kick. Anyone who can keep me out of the crazy-tree like she does deserves my endless gratitude. Not only have I had people to help me this past year, I've started to admit when I need help, and to ask for it. The dogs have been a blessing. There have been days when their needs to go out and be fed were the only reason I had to get out of bed. They snuggle with me when they know I'm sick or sad. These are all positive things at a time in my life when so much else has gone wrong. I try my best every day to hang on to these positive thoughts and the things that are good in my life.

I think its time for me to deal with everything I've stuffed down for the last 2 years, and admit, yes, it has been fucking hard and fucking awful. I want this new year to be so much better. I want a job I love. I want to be able to get bills caught up and paid off. I want to be able to start classes again. I feel like I've been in limbo, just merely surviving the tempest, and I want to start actually living again. I dont know that I have any resolutions or clear-cut goals for this year. This blog is no longer going to be what I originally intended for it. I wont post every day. And I probably wont always be sunshine and happy thoughts when I post. But I want to keep going forward with an attitude of gratitude. I'm grateful to have survived and gotten through all this. I still have it so much better than so many people in the world right now. I'm grateful to have people in my life that love me, and respect me, and appreciate me. I'm grateful I havent hurt myself. I'm grateful to know that sooner or later, this funk will turn around, and things will get better and eventually be okay. They always are. I dont see myself as being on a journey of discovery as this new year unfolds. I'm just living life, like every other day, every other year. I'm moving into a new year with hope. I have hope things will get better. I have hope I'll find a way to move through the emotional part of this condition. I have hope I'll find a great job. I have hope that I will continue to be grateful. I have hope that hope is the greatest tool for living I possess.

Counting sheep

"When I'm worried, and I can't sleep, I count my blessings, instead of sheep. And I fall asleep counting my blessings."

I've felt crappy and been whiney and worried the past few days. Meh. But fear and negativity can be overcome by looking at the good, so it's time to stop and count my blessings. I'm blessed with a great mom who is more supportive and encouraging than I could have ever wished for. I'm blessed with a very small circle of incredible friends who love and put up with me in spite of my flaws. I'm blessed with a source of income that meets my needs even if funds are tighter than they've been in years. So many other unemployed people are struggling so much harder. I'm blessed with a warm and comfortable place to live, a safe bed to lay my head each night and two furry companions that snuggle and guard over me while I sleep. I'm blessed with a dependable car that takes me where I need to go and reasonable insurance rates. I'm blessed that the generic versions of the medicine I need for diabetes are so affordable at Walmart.

I'm blessed with a strong intellect and an avid curiosity that keeps me interested and engaged in the world. I'm blessed to know what my calling is in this life, regardless of how long it's taking me to achieve that goal. I'm blessed that I was instilled with a sense of fairness and justice in the world that's provided me with a strong internal compass that has influenced my desire to want to heal and help others with their needs.

And last, but certainly NOT least, I'm blessed with a love and emotional/spiritual connection that is greater than I could have ever hoped for. No matter the distance, this love lifts me up on bad days, and inspires me to optimism. It makes me want to be the best me I can be and has brought me a deeper understanding of what love is, in all it's facets. I'm starting to truly know how romantic love is the model for the great Love and Oneness that We all are as Creations of our Maker. I'm blessed that this period of my life is turning out to be such a significant period of growth, learning, and understanding. I'm grateful beyond all the insignificant words I have for all that I have.

An extra pair of gloves

I was watching Dr. Wayne Dyer yesterday on PBS. He's a big advocate of public television and helps with their stations' fundraising each year. Yesterday's program was "The Power of Intention." He spoke of connecting to Source Spirit and one of the ways he recommended to do this was by being kind and serving others. By being an instrument of Spirit/God/whatever-label-you-prefer, you bring blessings to others and in return, increase your own blessings and level of happiness.

Its incredibly cold in Denver today and is expected to plunge well below 0 tomorrow. Today, I had an opportunity to serve. I wont give too many details, because I believe that telling others about your good deeds takes away some of the power of the experience. But I've had an extra pair of gloves in the trunk of my car for at least the last 5 years, in the event of an emergency. I was able to give those gloves today to someone who needed them NOW much more than I might need them in the future, and how that opportunity presented itself was sheer serendipity, at least for me.

It made me so happy to be able to provide something at the exact moment someone truly needed that thing. Thank you, Spirit, for moving me to act and for allowing me to serve.

The Love Gov

I just saw a news blurb about the SC governor who got busted having an affair with an Argentinian woman. He's now divorced and was photographed on a beach with his 'soul mate.' I'll probably catch flak for this, but really, good for him. I'm sure he feels awful about the hurt he caused his wife, but here's someone who decided to be true to himself. He left politics and gave up everything to be with this person who he feels is his other half. I'm not saying it's romantic, and I'm not necessarily condoning it. But he took a huge leap of faith regardless of all the complications and fear I'm sure he felt.

Some people get lucky early in life and find their one true love right away. Stories of childhood sweethearts that are married for 60, 70 and sometimes even 80 years always deeply touch my heart. Most of us fall in love a few times before we marry. And some of us marry who we think is "The One", not being honest with ourselves and only realizing after the marriage goes up in flames that we were settling out of fear of never being loved again. I'm guilty of the latter two.

I knew when I met Riker all those years ago, that he was my one true love. Our relationship was less than perfect and often stormy. For all those years, I wondered, "What if?" What if we had met sooner before we both experienced all the hurt and pain of our other relationships. What if we hadnt wasted all this time before we rediscovered each other? What if we had stayed together then? What if we could be together now, instead of having to wait until our lives are more manageable?

Then I have to remind myself of my core belief that everything happens for a reason, and happens as it should, in it's own time and season. Riker and I are not the same people now that we were when we first met. We're older and a little wiser and much more aware of how easy it is to hurt the ones we love. We were both broken and blind and foolish back then. Our separate lives while we were apart have not only healed our hearts and souls, but taught us the lessons we needed to become the people we each believed the other could be. I've seen him grow into the compassionate, considerate, unselfish man I knew he really was. He's seen me grow into the calm, reasonable, patient woman he knew was hiding under the insecure, quick-tempered, hurtful woman who lashed out at him for lack of better coping skills.

We arent perfect. We're both still flawed and human. Had we stayed together then or met each other sooner in our youth, we probably would have torn each other apart no matter how great our love. Back then I couldnt understand why we couldnt work things out when I knew we were absolutely right for each other. We each needed to learn and grow on our own in order to reach a point where we could be all that the other needed. I miss the years we missed out on, but knowing what I know now, I'd go through it all again if I had to, to be able to be in this time and space. Even with the distance and the complications of our lives, knowing the full depth of our relationship soothes the times when I feel frustrated or lonely. I wish everyone were fortunate enough to find their one true other half and be able to be with them. I will be endlessly grateful the rest of my life knowing I found mine, regardless of how long we wait to share the same roof.

First Amendment

HA! I'll bet you thought I was going to get all Constitutional on you, huh?

So. My original statement was that I would blog on a daily basis about an experience I had through the course of each day this year for which I was grateful. Sadly, less than a month into this new year and I've missed several days of posting. Please accept my apologies, and let me offer this amendment. I will post every day that my school course load and health dont interfere.

My classes have proven to be more labor intensive than I thought. I knew Anatomy and Physiology I and Lab would be tough. But I was mistaken that my Women's Studies classes would be a bit easier. Adding to that, I was diagnosed with yet ANOTHER kidney infection on Wednesday. The new PA at the student health center put me on Cipro which is a med I havent taken before. Of course, if a med is going to have an uncommon side effect, I'm usually the uncommon person that experiences it. This would be no exception. So far, I'm not experiencing some of the extremes connected to the antibiotic, but lets just say that at this point, the cure is almost as bad as the ailment. Then again, I know from past experience, a lesser antibiotic wouldnt knock out the infection.

So, where's the ray of sunshine in all this, while I sit here feeling grumpy and like hammered crap? I'm reaching for this one, but it does exhibit that I'm trying to use logic instead of fear and worry. One of my biggest fears about being diabetic and contracting kidney infections is that my renal functioning is going to go tits-up quicker than what I'm prepared for. Dialysis is a very real fear for most diabetics as is losing appendages due to poor circulation and eventual blindness caused by retinopathy (another complication of impaired circulation). Generally speaking, these complications usually only occur in diabetics who have had difficulty controlling their blood glucose levels and A1C's. This isnt to insinuate that they dont take care of themselves. I know most diabetics really try. But even folks with strict compliance and insulin pumps arent always able to bring the numbers down. Their diabetes is severe. And even with their best intentions and efforts, they suffer any to many of the complications associated with this hated disease.

Kidney failure is a legitimate worry of mine every time I have a urinary tract infection, worrying if it will move up into the bladder before I catch it in time. Or if I dont, it moves up into the kidneys as it has this time. Cranberry juice and AZO aside, I didnt see the severity of this one until my kidneys started hurting and my urine was cloudy. I dont know if this is how it's always going to be now, or if my immune system just hasnt recovered enough to fight off every insidious little bacteria that wants to work it's way through my urinary system.

But you were waiting for the good news, right? Where's my gratitude in this latest ailment? A little over a month ago when I started having nightly leg cramps, my Kaiser doc ran a renal functioning test to see how things were looking in that area. All the results came back good. I had no mineral deficiencies at that time and my kidneys were working fine. So. I'm grateful for that. And to push down the fear and to be logical and to try and quit worrying, I have to tell myself that my kidneys couldnt have possibly started deteriorating in just a month's time. This is just another infection and I really dont feel nearly as sick as I did a year ago when I had my first kidney infection. Its going to be okay. The infections are frustrating setbacks, but I am still getting better every day. My A1C from a week ago was 7.2. I'm almost under the 7.0 mark that measures great glucose control. I will suck this up and keep going. There's no other option. I have a busy life and important goals to reach. I refuse to feel sorry for myself anymore, no matter how frustrated I might get. My diabetes and how it and my body work with and against each other is just proving to be a bit more challenging than I had initially expected. I'm still on a learning curve here. My overall health is much better than it was a year ago, and the last time I saw my Kaiser doctor she told me that all things considered, I'm actually in pretty good health. I vow to keep that in mind as I continue to regain my footing in this life-altering experience.

Now tell me...arent you a bit surprised? You were expecting a rant on first amendment rights, and you got a quick little venting about pee and me.

January Back-to-School thoughts

Classes resume for me tomorrow. This will most likely be my last semester as a full time student. While I've enjoyed the time away from working, in looking at my future and long term goals, I think it best that I start looking for a job. Because of the shortage of nursing instructors, most RN programs in the area are on a 1-2 year waitlist. One of my tasks this semester is to get my transcripts evaluated and apply to the various programs I'm eligible for. My hope is still that I'll be accepted into the accelerated program at Metro when I've finished my psych degree. But in light of the practical matters of daily living, I think it makes more financial sense to me to return to my previous status of full time employee and part time student. I do plan on taking advantage of my educational opportunities while they last, and I suppose if I still havent found a job by the summer, I'll have to re-evaluate my situation and options.

I'm hoping to have a better semester than I did last, and I'm grateful there are no sinus infections or wild fires right now to slow me down, as there were last September. I feel pretty good, all things considered. My latest A1C came back today. It was a 7.2. Not quite under 7 like my doctor wants to see, but it's still down from the 7.5 in July. Considering all my holiday indulgences, I'd say that's not bad. I have a lot of hopes for the next few months. I hope to have a succcessful semester and get my GPA back up. I hope to quit smoking. I hope to exercise daily and be more conscientious of my food plan. I hope to get my A1C to goal, and I hope to be able to dump some of the meds I'm on. But I'm feeling hopeful. Compared to where I was a year ago when I first left the paper, that feels amazing. It's been a bumpy road, but I'm really grateful for this time I've had and to have come out on the other side of it a little stronger, a little kinder and A LOT more hopeful.

Jealousy is an ugly thing

...and one of my greatest flaws. But as I've worked over the years at learning to control my temper, I think maybe I'm finally learning to control my jealousy as well. I took a minute, took a deep breathe and realized that I have no real need to be jealous. All the things I want most, I have.

Thank goodness I stopped myself from my knee-jerk reaction to throw a snit.

"Machete don't text."

Technology has changed my life. The wonder of the internet created the circumstances for my meeting my hunny a lot of years ago. Email allowed us to sporadically keep in touch all the years that we distantly orbited each other's worlds after our breakup. When we reconnected two years ago, text messaging via cell phones (that weren't as big as bricks like they were when we first met) allowed us to be in touch daily, even though we now live in two different states. Tonight, technology allowed us to have a movie night date. While he watched a dvd at home, I watched the same movie through Netflix on my laptop, and we were able to text back and forth our comments on the movie.

Several people in my world have asked me how we've managed to sustain this long distance relationship when we dont get to see each other that often. Technology, bay-bee! So many couples are so busy with jobs, and kids, and the kids' activities and maintaining a household that by the end of the day they drop into bed exhausted, perhaps without even having a meaningful exchange with their partner through the course of the day. Riker and I may not share the same physical space, but we share 'good mornings' and little quips throughout the day, and "good night and sweet dreams" at the end of the day. I dont have to worry about picking up his dirty socks and he doesnt have to deal with my grumpy ass when I first wake up.(I am NOT a morning person.) Yes, I miss seeing his smile when I wake up, and his shoulder when I'm feeling droopy. But I have his heart and his daily communication. Isnt that the most basic foundation for any relationship?

Technology has changed my life and been responsible for me finding the love of my life. So tonight, thanks, Al Gore, for inventing the internets! 

Here comes the sun

I'm sorry for all the people around the country that are still being hammered by such frigid weather, and the folks in Australia that are under siege by flooding. The weather here today was sunny and warm by comparison to what we've had lately. Temperatures are expected to continue to rise and may reach 60 by Sunday. Thanks to all the road crews for their hard work lately clearing the roads, and today for plowing slush.

Stress

Dedicated to anyone who's ever worked for a newspaper. I'm so grateful this is no longer my life, but could have been written about me over the last 10 years.  :)

Inspiration

Today on Facebook, one of my gaming buddies asked for inspiration. He said it could be about anything, and I was really touched by some of the responses in his thread. I dont know if he's read my blog, but his simple request to the people he's connected to on a social network is just the kind of thing I like to see happening in the world. It only takes a few seconds to make someone smile or feel good. Kindness is free and courtesy takes almost no time.We all still have our troubles and challenges, but it just makes me feel good to see someone else in the world wanting to do good and spread positive vibes even in such small ways. 

So, thank you, Dwayne, even though we've never met, for inspiring me today and making me smile, not only for your request, but by your kindness to other strangers.

Ken Follett is brilliant

One of my favorite books is "The Pillars of the Earth," by Ken Follett. This incredible epic was made into an 8 episode series. I just finished watching a marathon of all 8 episodes. Like the book, it was too good to put down.

I'm grateful for talented writers and storytellers like Mr. Follett, for their painstaking research, the history lessons they weave into captivating plots, and just their God-given ability to spin a good tale. "World Without End" is the sequel to Pillars and just as good a read as the first. I can only hope they'll make World into a series as well, and do as fine a job on film as was done with Pillars.

"That may be free speech, but its not without consequences."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ccY9lNRiUWg

Thank you, Pima County Sheriff Clarence Dupnik, for being a voice of calm sanity and reason in the face of the horrific shooting in Tucson yesterday. Please watch this whole clip of him in full at the press conference, in the link above. I applaud him for calling to task the causes for some of the hatred spewed out across this country and I can only hope that even a few people will stop and think about the effect all the negative rhetoric and the utter crap on our airwaves is having on every man, woman, and child in this country. It breeds fear and negativity, when what we need more than anything at this time in our history is big-picture oriented solutions. I said I wouldnt make this blog political, and I intend to stick to that. This is NOT a political issue. It's a human issue. And the needs of the many far outweigh the discontent of those blinded by fear and hatred.

As I write this I'm watching my local news. In what can only be a moment of serendipity, a story was just broadcast about 4th and 5th graders in a program called "Peacemakers," learning and teaching conflict resolution and working to end violence. I looked for a video clip, but havent found one available yet.

Boxer-briefs are dead sexy.

Who the hell (besides me) goes to the grocery store on Saturday evening? Apparently, every woman in the northern metro area with uncontrollable kids...  Combine this with still feeling achy and cranky with my cold and you have the ingredients for a less-than enjoyable experience. However, I did find my favorite sugar-free Rocky Road ice cream and it should do wonders for soothing the crabby right out of me.

There are times when I'm grateful to be living alone, and sparing my hunny from the whiny hot mess that is me when I'm illin'. Tonight is one of those times. I love you, baby, but trust me, right now you'd either strangle me or stuff me into bed.

Not allergies

Good news, bad news. The allergies I was experiencing in Arizona turned out to not be allergies after all. Its a cold, instead. Yay!

Thankfully, I made it home with no problems, and I got to take a decadent nap today. Classes dont start again until the week of the 17th, so I have plenty of time to rest up and get better. I'm so glad there are cold medicines that work for me to relieve the symptoms and colds are usually done and gone in about a week. My goal is to keep my glucose levels down as much as I can with no appetite and the tendency for the levels to go up when I'm sick. No orange juice for me, but lots more guilt-free naps.

Home again, home again, jiggity jog

My holiday travel is over, and I think I'll be staying put for a while. Home safe and sound and before midnight. I'm extremely thankful for my own comfy bed, where I'm about to go collapse.

The greatest thing you'll ever learn...

...is just to love and be loved, in return. (Lyrics from a Nat King Cole song). Knowing I am loved is the most incredible emotion I have ever experienced.

Gods bless the burger.

Just 4 days into the new year and I've already missed a day of posting. In my defense, I was on the road. I left Denver VERY early yesterday morning, and drove straight through to Arizona to take my mom to visit my aunt. It was way too late and I was way too tired to post after I reached my destination. My gratitude for yesteday was dry roads and a safe trip. My mom and I have some of the best conversations when we're on a road trip. I'm really grateful for that, too.

For today, I'm grateful for all the nice people that are part of the In-N-Out Burger company, that participated or were a part of the amazing hamburger I had tonight. INO has the absolutely BEST hamburgers I've ever had, and since we dont have the restaurant in Colorado, I have to have one anytime I'm in AZ. If I didnt know better, I'd swear they must put crack in their burgers to keep people coming back. One of my most frivolous wishes is that the Hamburger Fairy would raise its magic wand and drop an In-N-Out Burder anywhere in Denver. I would gladly drive all the way across town for that. All this gratitude for a burger? Yes. They're that good.

Time

Posting a gratitude every day may prove to be a bigger challenge than I thought, with the ground rules I set for myself. I havent experienced much today in the outside world. It was another good day to stay hunkered down from the cold. The sun finally came out around 2pm and started melting off some of the snow on the streets. They were more slushy than icy, but sunshine means good travel weather and I'm leaving to take my mom to her sister's in AZ tomorrow morning.

I'm really grateful I got to spend the holidays this year, not just with my awesome mom, but with extended family as well. Facebook has been a wonderful tool for reconnecting with family members. I wish I could have seen more cousins this year (Katie, Gene, Jamie, Donny), but there's always another fish fry to look forward to.

So, today, I'm grateful for family and the opportunity to see how the generations grow and pass on to the next ones. At Christmas dinner we were talking about our grandmother, and while I was at my mom's I got to see pictures of my great grandfather and great-great grandparents, courtesy of pictures our Cousin Ginny (whom we've never met) had sent. So I'm looking at pictures of my great great grandparents, and scanning and uploading pictures of my great nieces and nephews on to my mom's Facebook page. Seven (!) generations of a bloodline, and it made me think all philosophically of the passage of time and people. I'm in the middle category of family currently living. And someday, I'll be the oldster and Zach and Brinley and Athena will be the middle-agers, with their children being the focus of attention as we watch more generations grow.

The cliches and adages of time's passing and marching on may be trite. But to truly see it manifest in your own family before your eyes, is not only a little mind boggling, but a little amazing and awe-inspiring as well. So that's what I've experienced recently that I'm thankful for.

The first day of the rest of my life

Today's the first day of a new year. My only resolution this year is to post something on this blog on a daily basis. I saw a video online earlier of resolutions. Some guy said his resolution was to continue being awesome. I thought it was funny.

Today I'm thankful to be able to afford the heat that's keeping me warm. It's incredibly cold here today, with the expected high to be only 24 but the wind chill factor lowers that by about 15 degrees. Instead of bitching about how I should have put plastic insulation on the windows prior to this (its been a very mild winter until now) or crabbing about how much harder it is to keep the apartment warm when its this cold, I'm VERY grateful just to be warm. I know there are families right now in Denver that dont have enough heat or blankets or even coats. Lets all say a little prayer of thanks for being warm. And for gloves.